The following is a guest post from a mysterious writer. You must read until the end to discover the secretive recluse …
Everyone has their secrets.
Mine is more complicated than most. Sure, I look like a perky twenty-four-year-old with resting bitchy face, but you’d be wrong. At least about the twenty-four-year-old part.
I’m actually older than Jesus and far more cynical.
So, you might be asking yourself, what’s it like to live for two millennia? Allow me to explain in GIFs. They’re the “in” thing now, right?
1) Like you simply can’t deal with the human race’s stupidity for a second longer.
2) Like you’re in a crowded room and completely standing still.
3) Like getting close to anyone is just another road trip to heartache.
4) Like times and technology might be changing, but really, that’s about it.
5) Like you’d rather slide down a banister of razor blades into a pool of alcohol—than be forced to make new friends.
6) Like you could totally ace any history test thrown at you.
7) Like whenever you meet someone without ulterior motives, you might just faint.
8) Like in all honesty, the majority of the time, it’s just…
This probably didn’t sell you much on the glorious lifestyle of being older than dirt—but deal with it. In all honesty, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Then again, maybe you’re a sadist. C’mon, I know at least a few of you reading this are. If that’s the case, feel free to linger a bit longer in my world. Check out Oracle by Carissa Andrews—but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Wondering who Carissa Andrews is now? Well, you can find her:
I first saw it on my Facebook feed today from a New York Times article. And I couldn’t help but notice, Martin Shkreli kinda looks like a Sith Lord in this Associated Press photo … doesn’t he?
And considering today is the first FULL day that Star Wars is open in theaters, I call this #winning for the AP!
It’s over! It’s all freakin’ over. I always said when the mail stops coming on Saturdays, the world is ending.
And on Wednesday, the Post Office announced it: no more Saturday mail.
I want to thank the Arizona Republic and the Associated Press for publishing the story and letting me know I can now begin preparations to DIE. Just as long as I don’t decompose under a parking lot, like poor King Richard III.
Not that I believe in “The Book of Revelation” (in fact, I’m Jewish), but I’m sure if you dig deep enough—somewhere within its dark pages of death and destruction—you’ll find something about the mail ceasing to deliver on Saturdays.
I am convinced we are only months away from the REAL Armageddon.
And here are 5 reasons why:
- We are running out of IP addresses. Don’t believe me? Go take a class in Cisco networking. You think the wars over cinnamon were bad (yes, empires actually rose and fell over cinnamon)? Just wait until no one else can log onto the Internet.
- Stars Wars married Mickey Mouse. If George Lucas no longer retains the right to sue you for using the word “lightsaber,” I think we’ve reached a whole new dimension in history. Hopefully, Disney isn’t as bad … but maybe I should call my lawyer, just in case?
- Twinkies joined the dinosaurs. Ever seen the movie, “Zombieland,” starring Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson? If you haven’t, you need to know only two things: Zombie Apocalypse and extinction of the Twinkies.
- Guns now shoot lightning bolts. Yes! You can thank the United States Army for this. We now have LASER GUNS that can shoot freakin’ LIGHTNING BOLTS (thanks WIRED Magazine). Dying isn’t good enough; we need to rip our enemies’ electrons from their surrounding air molecules, first.
- NO MORE SATURDAY MAIL. Really … need I say more???