5 Reasons the World is Ending: No More Saturday Mail!


It’s over! It’s all freakin’ over. I always said when the mail stops coming on Saturdays, the world is ending.

And on Wednesday, the Post Office announced it: no more Saturday mail.

SkywalkerNooooo

I want to thank the Arizona Republic and the Associated Press for publishing the story and letting me know I can now begin preparations to DIE. Just as long as I don’t decompose under a parking lot, like poor King Richard III.

Not that I believe in “The Book of Revelation” (in fact, I’m Jewish), but I’m sure if you dig deep enough—somewhere within its dark pages of death and destruction—you’ll find something about the mail ceasing to deliver on Saturdays.

I am convinced we are only months away from the REAL Armageddon.

City_Zombies_Wallpaper__yvt2

And here are 5 reasons why:

  1. We are running out of IP addresses. Don’t believe me? Go take a class in Cisco networking. You think the wars over cinnamon were bad (yes, empires actually rose and fell over cinnamon)? Just wait until no one else can log onto the Internet.
  2. Stars Wars married Mickey Mouse. If George Lucas no longer retains the right to sue you for using the word “lightsaber,” I think we’ve reached a whole new dimension in history. Hopefully, Disney isn’t as bad … but maybe I should call my lawyer, just in case?
  3. Twinkies joined the dinosaurs.  Ever seen the movie, “Zombieland,” starring Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson? If you haven’t, you need to know only two things: Zombie Apocalypse and extinction of the Twinkies.
  4. Guns now shoot lightning bolts. Yes! You can thank the United States Army for this. We now have LASER GUNS that can shoot freakin’ LIGHTNING BOLTS (thanks WIRED Magazine). Dying isn’t good enough; we need to rip our enemies’ electrons from their surrounding air molecules, first.
  5. NO MORE SATURDAY MAIL. Really … need I say more???

8 thoughts on “5 Reasons the World is Ending: No More Saturday Mail!

  1. …….and retired Postal Workers…although they retain health benefits……do NOT…I repeat….DO NOT get Soc Security. They are exempted from Soc Sec Benefits….so…no..they do not get a pension as do other gov ees. I am glad they wont be working on Saturdays….we dont need Sat mail. At least now we dont have to see bills arrive on Saturdays!

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  2. Up in Canada there are still Twinkies, so, no, they aren’t extinct (possibly different than there were in the US though, like how our Mountain Dew is caffeine free), but we haven’t had Sat mail for as long as I know of. No mail just seems like a good thing for a weekend (more like vacation then?).

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    1. Really?! You guys still have Twinkies up there? Best kept secret. 🙂 I may need to take a trip up north, now.

      It’s so crazy, because no Saturday mail DOES seem like a good thing, but here in the U.S., it’s such a norm, that it’d be like telling us “no more radio!” LOL! I love hearing the perspective of people who live in other parts of the world. We’re just a bunch of spoiled children here in the U.S. LOL! 🙂

      Thanks to reading and commenting!

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  3. Hahahaha this is brilliant! I can’t believe they took away sat. mail. Ironically – the post office would actually be quite profitable if they didn’t have to keep paying the federal government.

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C'mon, you MUST be thinking something.

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