Shari Lopatin

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The Secret to Getting Treated Like Royalty … FOR ONCE

If you’re freakin’ tired of being pushed around by your boss, or spouse, or just life in general, then you could use a little royal treatment. Right?!

So … if you wanna get treated like royalty for once, become a juror.

Oh, you think I’m kidding?

I just had my FIRST jury duty experience this week. Ever.

I was prepared to be spat upon, emotionally molested, and convicted of indecent exposure by nothing more than a raised eyebrow.

Then, of course, I reminded myself that I wasn’t on trial. This tends to happen with neurotic, overactive imaginations like mine. You get a tummy ache, and it’s automatically cancer, accompanied by imminent death.

But back to this whole jury thing …

I finally read the back of my summons the night before my scheduled doom. And, to my pleasant surprise, I learned that jurors are the judicial equivalent to the Queen of England.

Seriously. First off, the courts opened 15 minutes early, JUST for the jurors. The security guards literally unlocked the doors, scanned the numerous desperate faces begging for relief from the bitter cold, then announced a special entry for “Jurors Only!”

All other infidels would need to remain locked outside, on the unforgiving concrete, until 8:00 a.m.

Upon entry into the palace, I learned that jurors are allowed:

Validation for free parking
Complimentary coffee
A breakroom and fridge JUST FOR THEM
Breaks any time they want
To bring their own food

That last item, that’s the killer part. Because no one else is allowed to bring their own food. Not police, not witnesses, not even lawyers. Only the jurors.

Should you happen to enter with a lunch box in your hand, the security guards will part ways and announce,

“Here comes the juror! Let him pass!”

They even gave us a movie theatre.

And they didn’t play those crappy airplane movies, either. They showed Oscar-nominated films, people! From directors like Cameron Crowe and John Madden.

Oh yea, and did I mention how we got a personalized welcome from a JUDGE?

I think the next time I’m suffering from lack of self-esteem, I’m gonna show up at court and beg to be a juror. Because sometimes, we all just need a vacation.

Tags: blogging, humor, jury duty, life, the law, Writing

Comments 18 Comments
Categories Funny Life Stories, Random Rants

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Is Your Blog the Equivalent to Long Division?

11 Mar

OK, writers … this one’s for you. Sometimes, you just can’t write about “passive versus active voice” anymore.

And—let’s be real here—there are only so many ways to reveal “the secret to getting more comments on your blog.”

BORING!

My blog stats proved it. They were pathetic. They were navel lint. Which is why, one day, I finally broke:

“F- it!” I screamed. “I’m doing a blog makeover! And I’m scratching all that professional crap. I’m going rogue.”

Today, I’m over at Lynette Benton’s blog, Polish and Publish | Tools and Tactics for Creative Writers. And I’m writing about the transformation of MY blog: “Why a Blog Makeover Might be Just the Thing You Need.”

So if you are anything like me three months ago—ridiculous blog stats and an online platform equivalent to long division—you just might want to head on over and read this.

Tags: blogging, Lynette Benton, marketing, Tools and Tactics for Creative Writers, Writing

Comments 5 Comments
Categories For the Writers

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A bad gift-wrapping job just means she loves you, dude

26 Feb

Yea, OK, I’ll admit it: I’m one of those hopeless romantics who read historical romance novels in high school where mid-evil lords ravaged the blossoming daughters of their peasants.

Nonetheless, I’m also a messy, untalented hopeless romantic when it comes to anything remotely crafty. Which includes wrapping paper … and that final act of shoving gifts inside it.

No, you pervert! That was not a subliminally sexual message. You shame me.

It was an attempt, in my exhausted state, to explain why my gifts—and I mean ALL my gifts—look like a wad of discarded metal feces.

But for the guys out there, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, OK?

A crappy gift-wrapping job just means she put alotta heart into it.

She loves you, dude. Congrats!

And sorry to burst your bubble guys, but Pinterest does not represent the majority of women out there. I know, O.J. is innocent, right?

But it’s true … Pinterest just makes the vast majority of us look like unorganized slobs who have no money, no style, and no ability to cook.

So when the atrocious monster of a gift is slid your way across the dinner table during your anniversary, or birthday, or even V-day, know it’s a labor of love. Like Frankenstein. Only more romantic.

On a quick side-note …

I just celebrated my six-year anniversary with my hun this past Sunday. Which, for everyone else, is obviously what sparked this whole gift-wrapping rant. Use it to your advantage.

Me and my man, Oscar

Now girls, hurry and share this post with your guys.

So the next time you present him with that horrific monstrosity of a wrapping job, he’ll know just how much you truly care.

(P.S. Facebook and Twitter sharing buttons are below!)

Tags: humor, life, Love, relationships, Writing

Comments 7 Comments
Categories Random Rants

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It Snowed in Phoenix! And How to Pitch Magazine Editors

21 Feb

What’s that about global warming again? Oh, right … it freakin’ snowed IN THE DESERT yesterday!

I live in Phoenix, Ariz., and it actually snowed here. Seriously. I borrowed some Facebook images from our local news stations to prove it:

[Source: 93.3 KDKB Facebook page]

[Source: KBAQ Facebook page]

And because I have nothing else to say, I’m re-publishing a VERY old blog post, before anyone even knew I existed (on the social Web). I used to write about professional stuff … really!

So, if you’re a writer, or PR person, maybe these tips will offer something useful. Imagine that!

Enticing Magazine Editors and Media–Successfully Pitch Your Story!

Whether you’re a PR professional selling your company’s story, or a freelancer enticing a magazine editor, understanding how to pitch well is vital.

I’ve enjoyed success as a journalist and media relations professional for a reason:

1. Keep your pitches to five sentences or less.

As a freelancer trying to get published in a magazine, I received my best advice from a senior editor at TIME Magazine. Here it is:

Keep your initial pitch to one paragraph (I suggest five sentences, tops).

If you’re a freelancer, follow-up with a brief description about your experience (places you’ve been published, years of experience), as well as why YOU should write this story.
Cut and paste any additional material, such as a news release, into the email body after your pitch. As a backup, attach the document.

I’ll never forget the editor’s words from TIME, “We are too busy to open any attachments. If it’s not in the email body, we won’t see it.”

2. Forget sounding fancy. Cut to the chase: the five W’s.

As a newspaper reporter, the best way to entice me to DELETE your email, was by developing a fancy first sentence. I only cared about the WHAT of your story—so I could decide immediately if it was newsworthy.

My number one tip from my last post on writing engaging content was to keep your article lead less than 30 words. Apply that rule to any story pitch.
You will lose the reporter’s/editor’s/producer’s attention if don’t tell them upfront the Who, What, When, Where and Why.

3. Make it relevant!

Is your story timely? Localized? Who’s the audience? TIME Magazine would rather publish a national trends article, whereas Phoenix Magazine (from Arizona) would seek a feature on a high school coach who’s changed the school’s morale.

Regardless of whether you’re a freelancer or PR professional, do your research.

If you live in California, but are pitching in Connecticut, run a Google Maps and get an idea of the geography.
Read through your target publication to understand its style before pitching (hint hint: you can work that style and relevance into your pitch).

4. Follow up via phone in two to three days–not the same day.

Most editors will get hundreds of emails a day, maybe more. IF they read your pitch, it won’t be the same day you sent it, so give them time. When you call a few days later, start with this:

“Hi ____, my name is _______ and I’m a freelance reporter from ______ following up on a story I emailed you a day or two ago.” Then immediately launch into your story idea. Most likely, if they haven’t seen your email, now they’ll open it.

Above all else, never forget the WIIFM: What’s In It For Me? Always put yourself in the editor’s shoes and ask, “Why would I publish this story?”

Whatever the answer is … that will be your news hook.

Tags: news, pitching, pitching stories to editors, Public Relations, snow, unusual weather, Writing

Comments 6 Comments
Categories Current Events (and stuff), Media Strategy/Marketing Tips

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BIG Books Baby … Oh Yeeeea

18 Feb

**God I love Etsy, where I found this awesome bookmark, and you can too:**

Etsy shop: BookFiend

Listing: http://www.etsy.com/listing/82138362/i-like-big-books-aluminum-bookmark

Price: $5.95

Just in case you decide to buy it. Like I am. Because it’s just too freakin’ cool for any writer (or reader) to NOT own this. And I’m also just a nerd like that.

You get me, right?

Tags: bookmarks, books, Etsy, humor, reading, Writing

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Book Fetish

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The Lobsters at Red Lobster Depress Me

14 Feb

For some people, death or a breakup will send them into a fit of depression. For me, it’s lobsters.

And not just any lobsters … the lobsters at Red Lobster.

I mean, have you ever really LOOKED at them? With the giant glass case and the bubbles trickling toward the top. And their claws bound together, with blue-and-pink-and-yellow rubber bands.

Just sitting there, waiting to be boiled to death.

What kind of way is that to die?

If I was a lobster at Red Lobster, I’d probably kill myself, first.

And so, as I sat there that Friday night—waiting for the hostess to call my name—I just became SO DEPRESSED.

I thought about, as a kid, how the lobsters used to excite me. I’d get all ADHD on my parents, screaming about “the lobsters! the lobsters!” But that was before I really knew.

And then, I had probably worst conversation in the HISTORY of conversations, with my mother.

It kinda went something like this:

Me: “Do you think the lobsters know?”

My mom: “Know what?”

Me: “You know.”

My mom: “Shari, I really don’t want to talk about the lobsters.”

I’m just so glad I don’t like lobster. I ordered chicken that night. And it’s probably a good thing I don’t live in some remote, Yiddish town in Russia.

Because I’d be seriously screwed.

[P.S. Happy Valentine's Day!]

Tags: cooking, food, humor, Red Lobster, Writing

Comments 9 Comments
Categories Random Rants

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It’s Raining Spiders … and Stuff

11 Feb

Ladies and gentlemen, it has rained spiders in Brazil. Yes … spiders. Rained. IN BRAZIL.

The land which gave birth to Zumba has now become Stephen King’s official playground. And you can thank the “social spider,” a group of arthropods working together to form a giant web to catch their prey.

Now that’s socialism, folks.

Thank you to 12 News in Phoenix, Ariz. for originally informing me of this (intriguing? terrifying?) phenomenon.

[... Shudder ...]

*********************************

AND IN OTHER NEWS:

**I officially ended the world’s longest eyelash debacle on Sunday. Not sure how this happened, but I wound up with an eyelash stuck in my eye for a MONTH. A month, people. Do you have any freakin’ clue what it’s like to wake up every morning to an eyelash jabbing its way into your cornea, with NO recourse? I poked, I stabbed, I rubbed; yet that dang thing would not budge. For this alone, I think I deserve a spot in the “Guinness Book of World Records.”

**The Black Keys won three Grammys. The Black Keys are seriously the coolest musicians EVER (except for my dad, of course). I saw them, LIVE, with my sister, back in October, and they tore it up. And last night, they won THREE GRAMMYS, which means my El Camino ticket stub is now worth some mula. $$$$ (Not that I’m selling it … suckers!)

**Java jam. That’s it, people. Jam made from espresso. A piece of Heaven really does exist here on earth. I may now die in peace.

**My cat peed on his own this morning. VICTORY!

Tags: current events, Grammys, humor, life, music, news, spiders, The Black Keys, weird news, Writing

Comments 3 Comments
Categories Current Events (and stuff), Random Rants

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5 Reasons the World is Ending: No More Saturday Mail!

7 Feb

It’s over! It’s all freakin’ over. I always said when the mail stops coming on Saturdays, the world is ending.

And on Wednesday, the Post Office announced it: no more Saturday mail.

I want to thank the Arizona Republic and the Associated Press for publishing the story and letting me know I can now begin preparations to DIE. Just as long as I don’t decompose under a parking lot, like poor King Richard III.

Not that I believe in “The Book of Revelation” (in fact, I’m Jewish), but I’m sure if you dig deep enough—somewhere within its dark pages of death and destruction—you’ll find something about the mail ceasing to deliver on Saturdays.

I am convinced we are only months away from the REAL Armageddon.

And here are 5 reasons why:

We are running out of IP addresses. Don’t believe me? Go take a class in Cisco networking. You think the wars over cinnamon were bad (yes, empires actually rose and fell over cinnamon)? Just wait until no one else can log onto the Internet.
Stars Wars married Mickey Mouse. If George Lucas no longer retains the right to sue you for using the word “lightsaber,” I think we’ve reached a whole new dimension in history. Hopefully, Disney isn’t as bad … but maybe I should call my lawyer, just in case?
Twinkies joined the dinosaurs. Ever seen the movie, “Zombieland,” starring Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson? If you haven’t, you need to know only two things: Zombie Apocalypse and extinction of the Twinkies.
Guns now shoot lightning bolts. Yes! You can thank the United States Army for this. We now have LASER GUNS that can shoot freakin’ LIGHTNING BOLTS (thanks WIRED Magazine). Dying isn’t good enough; we need to rip our enemies’ electrons from their surrounding air molecules, first.
NO MORE SATURDAY MAIL. Really … need I say more???

Tags: current events, End of the World, funny, humor, news, satire, U.S. Postal Service, Writing, Zombie Apocalypse

Comments 8 Comments
Categories Current Events (and stuff)

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How Did King Richard III End Up Under a Parking Lot?

4 Feb

If I was a king, I’d be pretty peeved if I wound up buried under a parking lot, of all places.

Then again, if I was a king, I’d be pretty peeved—period—since I’m a GIRL. Well anyway, this is exactly what happened to England’s King Richard III. In case you haven’t heard the news, scientists confirmed Monday that a skeleton they found during an archeological dig last August is, indeed, the King.

Not only that, but CNN reports how DNA extracted from the bones “was matched to Michael Ibsen, a Canadian cabinetmaker and direct descendant of Richard III’s sister, Anne of York.”

Could you imagine being that guy?

One minute, you’re sawing through wood in some remote town in Canada, and the next minute, you’re freakin’ ROYALTY.

Dude, seriously … I need some of that karma. Now.

However, should my dream ever come true and I end up as “Queen Shari,” I’d much rather decompose under a shopping mall. With cute shoes.

Tags: British history, cnn, current events, English history, humor, King Richard III, news, satire, Writing

Comments 8 Comments
Categories Current Events (and stuff)

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I Freakin’ HATE Waiting–Don’t You?

1 Feb

I may be the only writer who thanks her lucky stars she doesn’t live in New York.

Well … OK, I lied. I actually do fantasize weekly about accidentally bumping shoulders with someone like Anna Wintour (editor-in-chief at Vogue) while whimsically frolicking through the streets of Manhattan.

But what I’m talking about are the LINES. The waiting. Because I’m an incessantly impatient person who loathes nothing more than anticipating the end.

Maybe this is a bad thing.

To be honest, I started writing this post a month ago, and can’t really remember why. So to complete it—because I owe you guys a blog rant—here are the top six things I LOATHE waiting for:

Random crap at Wal-Mart. You can never just waltz into that place and buy your usual nail clippers, fish food, or hunting rifle. Because the checkout lines will hold you hostage for an HOUR. Yes, Wal-Mart will turn you into a desperate, neurotic Rapunzel.
Oatmeal at Starbucks. I’m not sure if this only happens to me, but I always end up behind the slow-talker who doesn’t know the difference between a grande and a latte. C’mon dude! All I want is a quick, mini oatmeal to nourish my cells while driving to work.
Rush hour traffic. It may not be creative, but don’t pretend you didn’t know this would make it onto “the list.”
The cable guy. Because he can only make it at some indiscriminate time, like either between 7 a.m. and 10 a.m., or 2 p.m. and 6 p.m. … on the Saturday when your niece is getting Bat Mitzvah’d. I suppose this is why Seinfeld dedicated an entire episode to said scenario.
My cat to pee. I’m dead serious. My beloved gray tabby, Chester, will NOT do the deed unless I’m standing over him, purring soft encouragements that “you can do it, go to the bathroom!” while he stares at the untouched, fresh litter as I’m running 15 minutes late for work.
The outcomes of presidential elections. Because the very fate of my LIFE depends on who wins! And we all know if the other guy gets the vote, our lives will dissipate into a mess of foreclosures, rotting hair and the Black Plague.

What do you hate waiting for? I know there’s something just nagging at your brain.

Tags: blogging, humor, life, waiting in line, Wal-Mart, Writing

Comments 10 Comments
Categories Random Rants

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Shari Lopatin