Because each time I clean my dishes, or open my kitchen drawer, I find less and less of this very necessary utensil. Not only does this happen to me, but my boyfriend suffers as well. He quietly revealed to me last week that all his spoons have been disappearing, mysteriously.

I feel like whipping out my old, investigative reporter hat, and following the clues. Because this question is driving me berserk:

What happened to all the spoons?

After nights of lost sleep and cortisol-filled panic attacks, I’ve come to one, discernible answer.

It was the gnomes. 

The evil spoon gnomes. And they all must DIE.

How dare they sneak into my house, without my permission, and take my hard-earned silverware while I’m asleep! They fool the cats, they trick the dog.

But worst of all, when the spoon gnomes strike, you can’t sip soup. Or eat cereal.

Or consume ice-cream.

NOOOOOOO!

So, my friends, I implore you. Spoon-lovers of the world unite! And death to the spoon gnomes!

“Call Me Zelda,” by Erika Robuck, published on May 7 this year. And I actually won an advanced copy through a Goodreads giveaway. I was so stoked, I might as well have just met Jesus.

OK, kidding, kidding.

But in all reality, I was excited to read Call Me Zelda, because it’s about Zelda Fitzgerald. And I have a serious fascination with the Fitzgeralds (who else is dying to see “Gatsby?”).

Just a heads up, though: Call Me Zelda is historical fiction … and this was my first experience reading the genre.

Here’s what I thought of Call Me Zelda. 

STARS: 3 out of 5

Erika is a great writer. I genuinely enjoyed her very human portrayal of the famous writer and his muse. Her prose was fluent, sometimes poetic, and encompassing of the time period for which she wrote: the 1930s.

However, I felt like the plot line and character interactions fell flat. And thus, the story tended to drag.

Here’s the scoop: rather than concentrating on the famous party days of Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald, Call Me Zelda focuses on their later years, when Zelda was committed to a Baltimore psychiatric hospital in 1932. The narrator is a fictional character, a psychiatric nurse named Anna Howard, who tended to Zelda while also fighting her own demons from the past.

The result is that we get a much more human, emotional look into the complicated and sometimes chaotic nature of the Fitzgeralds’ relationship. We see their tenderness, and we understand how they destroyed each other. This was the part I enjoyed most about Call Me Zelda.

Unfortunately, I was not a huge fan of the nurse, Anna. And since she was the narrator, this took away from the story for me.

I think Erika could have done much more with Anna to add spice and conflict to the plot. I appreciated Anna’s good, caring nature, but I felt like she was a bit too perfect. And thus—even for a Goody two-shoes like me—she wasn’t real enough. The drama of the story wasn’t intense enough.  And it sometimes bored me.

Would I recommend Call Me Zelda? It depends.

If you love literature and have a fascination with past figures such as Hemingway and the Fitzgeralds … then yes! I think you will either enjoy or genuinely appreciate Call Me Zelda. Even if I sometimes found the story slow, I still appreciated the new life that Erika breathed into these two literary icons. And I wanted to know what happened at the end.

But if you prefer more contemporary work, action, or drama, then I’d recommend passing on this one. Instead, save it for a friend like Gil, the nostalgic screenwriter played by Owen Wilson in Woody Allen’s movie, “Midnight in Paris.”

Find Call Me Zelda on Amazon.

But in a way, I must publicly thank the hackers, because they gave me some seriously positive publicity.

Like making everyone in my network aware of just how QUALITY my work is … which is good, because I recently launched my new business, “Shari’s Ink: Copywriting & Creative Services” (I’ll formally announce that soon enough).

You think I’m joking?

Then check this out (LinkedIn):

And this (Facebook)!

OK, and here’s one more. The actual MESSAGE from the hackers. Note to them: next time, do a little market research on your target audience, first:

Maybe the hackers could hire me for their next “email marketing campaign.” At least then, their messaging will be grammatically correct and on-target.

But the technology gods? They will rip every digital limb from your frail, vulnerable body. Like your computer, your phone, your email, your soul. Leaving you desolate and defenseless in the bitter cold.

That’s right. They are EVIL LORDS that deserve to BURN.

And just when your entire life hangs on a new business venture … 

Your day ends up looking like this:

9:00 a.m: Get out of shower. Begin breakfast.

9:15 a.m: Drag laptop downstairs to work in kitchen.

9:30 a.m: Open Google Chrome. “Cannot access website” message appears. Check internet connection. Nothing. Moan and drag laptop upstairs to router and modem.

9:40 a.m: Troubleshoot router. No luck. Plug modem into computer. Still no luck. Curse Cox Communications.

10:00 a.m: Call Cox Communications.

11:00 a.m: Get off phone with Cox Communications. Internet working. Drag computer downstairs. Eat cold food. Scowl.

12:00 p.m: Make first sales call. Verizon phone stops working, says “out of minutes.” Wonder how that’s possible? Just switched to unlimited plan.

12:10 p.m: Can’t access new Verizon account because PIN number never sent. Call Verizon customer service.

12:30 p.m: Verizon customer service won’t help without PIN.

12:45 p.m: Scream at air. Phone rings randomly … working again? It’s Boyfriend, calling from work. Cry into phone.

1:30 p.m: Write first follow-up email. Press “send.” Doesn’t work. Try again. Doesn’t work.

2:00 p.m: Rip hair out of head and wonder how the hell I.T. people do it!!

By the way, THAT was my day, last Monday.

And it’s what will happen to you, should you ever piss off the technology gods and they all plot against you. So beware, my friends, beware …

Boston, I love you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. And my deepest sympathies are with the families of the victims.

FIGHT ON!!

I guess this is what I get for spoiling my cats. By the way, meet my gray tabby, Chester.

Maybe I’m finally understanding what my parents felt like during the weekends, working their asses off while I laid in their bed, watching Dirty Dancing every freakin’ day.

But seriously, don’t you wish your life were THIS EASY?

Yea, I thought so.

Problem is, I’m not really too sure what exactly a “hipster” is.

Image borrowed from thepubscout.com (click the image to visit their website)

OK, to clarify here, no one sprung out from behind the bushes, pointed a slimy finger at my nose, and screamed, “HIPSTER!” As if I’d just robbed a bank.

So accusatory!

No, if that had actually happened, you’d have heard the frantic 9-1-1 call gone-viral by now. But according to everyone—apparently—if you’re a 30-something, you’re a hispter.

I kid you not, I’m hearing it everywhere. In articles. On T.V. Even a popular blogger said she’d trade in her Gen-X status to be a “30-year-old hispter.”

WOW. Is my generation really that cool?

Well, then again, we ARE the children of the Baby Boomers. Free love people; you can’t get any more “hip” than that! And these people actually raised us.

But back to trying to understand this whole “hipster” thing.  I asked my Facebook community the other week, “How the heck do you know if you’re officially a hipster?”

And, well … here are some of their answers:

I’m thinking Oscar explained it the best.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? How the heck do you know if you’re a hipster? 

If you’re seriously curious, then let me know, and I’ll fill you in on the details later (or, you can check out my “Hire Shari” tab).

Regardless, I’ll be back with more craziness soon! Just hang tight.

Thanks, y’all!

I might have actually discovered the cure to obesity in America. Seriously.

I rest my case.

—————————————————-

Like what you just read? Then don’t miss my next post! Type your email address into the field below, and get future blog posts sent to your inbox:

Then you might want to check out my friend, Jessica McCann’s Online Historical Fiction Workshop. In case you’re wondering about its legitimacy, the class is part of Arizona State University’s Piper Center for Creative Writing’s Spring 2013 line-up.

[Whew!]

Jessica is seriously cool, guys.

For one, she wrote this awesome, award-winning historical fiction novel called “All Different Kinds of Free,” about a free woman of color in 1837 who was abducted and sold into slavery. On top of that, we’ve both been published in PHOENIX Magazine.

I’m very familiar with ASU’s Piper Center for Creative Writing, so let me tell you: this workshop is no joke. Jessica needs some serious credentials to teach through them.

Here are the details:

• Workshop name: Bringing the Past to Life: Writing Historical Fiction
• When: April 2 – April 30, 2013 (four weeks)
• Where: ANYWHERE! It’s online and available to all.
• Venue: ASU Piper Writer’s Studio
• Required skill level: Useful to writers of all skill levels
• Registration: Click here now to register for the workshop (and get more info).

Go, do it! You won’t be sorry. And you’ll get to meet Jessica, too, which is even MORE awesome!