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Pull My Finger: My Uncivilized Life with Boys

23 Jan

OK, so you HAVE to admit … wit on a woman is sexy. I mean, freakin’ hot.

Which is why I’ve embarked on my latest mission to find some hilarious chicas (and chicos, coming soon) on the blogosphere.

The first one is guest-posting for me today! And you know she’s funny, because Jenny Lawson (a.k.a. “The Bloggess”) reads her stuff. Heck, Jenny PROMOTES this animated momma on her blogroll … which is how I found her.

So meet Irene Barnett, who blogs over at Left of Plumb! When you’re done here, go check out her blog; you won’t be sorry.

Pull My Finger: My Uncivilized Life with Boys

GUEST BLOG BY IRENE BARNETT

Farting sign

I am not a girly girl.

I am the one my girlfriends come to when they want a male perspective on something.

My favorite roommates have always been men.

Males don’t have hidden agendas and neither do I.

They are simple, single-cell sort of organisms and I like that.

Anyway, just want to set the scene.

It was with a mix of ambivalence and horror that I approached the idea of having children. But, when I found out that my twins were going to be boys, I felt this made some sort of cosmic sense.

However, being outnumbered so drastically has taken its toll on me (even our pets – a dog, two African water frogs and one husband – are boys).

I firmly believe that my lowered estrogen level is actually not menopause, but some sort of environmental hormonal pollution that is sucking it right out of my ovaries like some bad sci-fi movie.

Here are just a few of the behaviors that I now realize I have low tolerance for:

  • Burping and farting are high art forms and if my children are the Rembrandts of both, then I am the Edvard Munch.

painting[For the love of God, light a freakin’ match!!]

  • The bathroom smells like a subway urinal … after a hobo convention … where they served asparagus and brussel sprouts.
  • They think their junk is fascinating and don’t understand why the rest of us don’t agree and want to view it every chance we can.
  • They can only do one thing at a time, and even that confuses them.
  • They are hygienically challenged. I’m not sure what half of the odors are that I smell or what part of the body they originate from, but I will probably go blind from it.
  • They are incapable of closing a kitchen cabinet door. If they could, the kitchen would just be shelves, hooks and an intricate pully system like something out of Wallace and Gromit.

Wallace and Gromit[OK, I take this one back as an annoyance. That would be SO cool!!]

The sole reason I don’t end up selling them on the black market is simply this: they are the only humans who understand that I am the absolute pinnacle of awesomeness. Somehow, despite their rather base behavior everywhere else, they are advanced enough to recognize this one truth.

And I’m not willing to give that up, no matter how bad that fart smells.

**********************************************************************************************************************

Irene BarnettIrene Barnett is a working co-parent of twin boys and a rescue dog. She currently makes the rent by assuming the identity of a high-powered executive for a software consulting firm that is based out of Seattle, while she actually tries to live the life of a writer in Santa Barbara, Calif. (http://leftofplumb.com). Irene loves paddleboarding, movies, sitting and staring, and shiny things. She hates chickens but has a soft spot for hobos.

Photo credits:

  1. ms_saggitarius89, http://www.flickr.com/photos/55257360@N03/5223087250/
  2. rustybrick, http://www.flickr.com/photos/rustybrick/321252575/sizes/m/in/photostream
  3. patersor, http://www.flickr.com/photos/patersor/4802436959/

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15 Responses to “Pull My Finger: My Uncivilized Life with Boys”

  1. Punky Coletta February 15, 2013 at 4:49 pm #

    This is so true. I recently switched work areas from a part of the warehouse with all ladies to a part of the warehouse with just me and 3 dudes. And they fart, like, all of the time!!

  2. babyjill7...Marilyn Griffin January 27, 2013 at 8:53 am #

    I too was in a home of 3 males…But, at times I was adored as Queen…Because evidently they think “I know everything!”…and “can do everything”…Then along came Jill…my cat…we are both FEMALE and have the temperment to go along with it…LOOK OUT GUYS!

    • Shari Lopatin January 28, 2013 at 10:47 am #

      Haha! QUEEN! I wish I was a queen in my house. :-) That’s awesome.

  3. Leslie January 24, 2013 at 9:27 am #

    I am also outnumbered…one husband, one 14 yr old son, one 14 yr old stepson. I agree with your entire list, but would like to add an annoyance (or two.) When leaving the beach, they change into clean shorts while wrapped in a towel standing by the car and think it is ludicrous that I want to find a bathroom to change in. Likewise if we are camping or hiking, I seem to be completely unreasonable for wanting to find a restroom when they can slip behind a tree. Helloooo, there is a difference in our bodies and the ease of access!

  4. mothers little hleper January 23, 2013 at 6:25 pm #

    I am glad I am not alone, I thought there was something wrong with me, preferring boys to girls.
    I have 2 sons and all grown up but still…….. How hard is it to put away the mayo, chicken, bread, cheese after making a sandwich!! and god the crumbs! My youngest also plays lots of sport, which leaves me with laundry to do that smells so bad, even the cat has walked out of his room in disgust.

    • irenebarnett January 23, 2013 at 9:09 pm #

      Considering where a cat poops, this speaks volumes!

  5. Jeri Oien January 23, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

    Hilarious! Growing up in a highly testosteroni, hockey playing, spice loving household I have suffered the terrifying “My eyes! What Is that smell and why is it stinging my eyes!” experience!

    • irenebarnett January 23, 2013 at 9:08 pm #

      You were so unfairly outnumbered, my friend. I am amazed you don’t go into the fetal position at the sound of a whoopie cushion.

  6. winopants January 23, 2013 at 2:19 pm #

    I spend far to much time tagging after my boyfriend closing cabinet doors, turning off lights, putting down toilet seats… and smelling farts. Lots of that.

    • irenebarnett January 23, 2013 at 9:07 pm #

      I had thought that there was something wrong with them that maybe a good probiotic could help but, alas, it didn’t make a dent in the fumes.

  7. Suzerain January 23, 2013 at 1:53 pm #

    I have a husband and a 15 year old stepson . . . i.e., two boys. They also cannot: close the shower cutain, replenish the toilet paper, soak dishes so food doesn’t stick, wipe their feet off, wipe up spills and crumbs, and take their socks off the furniture. My ideal retirement home will be all women.

    • irenebarnett January 23, 2013 at 9:06 pm #

      We could make a modern day “Red Tent”. At least we know there wouldn’t be any crumbs, there would be limitless toilet paper and the place would smell like lavendar!!! I’m in!

  8. nataliedeyoung January 23, 2013 at 1:13 pm #

    The smell. This is why I’m terrified of having boys. It’s bad enough living with one guy…

    • irenebarnett January 23, 2013 at 9:06 pm #

      Be terrified, Natalie. Be very terrified.

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